Sometimes, you can be completely genuine with people, and meanwhile, they’re being strategic with you.

 Setting boundaries used to feel uncomfortable for me in relationships. I’ve learned that, unlike most people, I struggled to say “no” in the things that actually mattered. I actually felt guilty when I would set boundaries. I never realized it until I did some self-reflection. I wasn’t saying no because I didn’t know how; I wasn’t saying no because I wanted to avoid conflict with the other person. If you know me and my confrontational, strong personality, this can come as a surprise. It came as a surprise for me too, and it made me question: how strong am I really?

Let’s make this clear: "Normal" people don’t have an issue with you telling them no, but manipulators and narcissists will nudge you to a “maybe” and push you to a “yes.” These people will inflict uncertainty in you, which will then translate into a fear of their reaction. This fear causes you to sit like a good dog and avoid discomfort—anything to keep someone else happy. This empathy and lack of self respect is something they will exploit to build themself up while you break down. 

For so long, I was overly accommodating, always giving more than I had to offer and giving the “benefit of the doubt.” But in reality, I had to learn to hold people accountable and say, “You know, and you knew exactly what you were doing.”I came to realize that in giving everything to others, I was abandoning myself. From these thoughts and realizations, I had to face a hard truth: How can I hold others accountable when I don’t even hold myself accountable? For years, I kept making promises to myself—“I’m going to work out,” “I’ll save more money,” “I’ll study harder.” But I rarely followed through. That inconsistency with myself was reflected in how I allowed others to treat me.

As I started recognizing and, most importantly, calling out these patterns, I noticed increasing conflict in my personal life. I questioned my friends, relationships, and I questioned myself. I quickly realized one of the biggest lessons of adulthood. It was a gut-wrenching realization—not everyone is for you.

What I mean by that is, not everyone wants to see you win. Transparency moment: I always felt smarter than the average person. I always felt this burning desire for ambition and success. I always felt like I was fucking awesome.

People who see your intelligence and confidence might start questioning their own. When they see what you have, they might feel insecure about their own lives. As we all do, since this is human nature. I thought about those little “jabs” my “friend” would make, or those comments where I could see the sliver of jealousy or comparison. I lived my whole teenage life being naïve and gullible. Not believing what many of our parents tell us from a young age: “The world doesn’t care about you.” I always thought, “Well, I care, so the world has to care.” I didn’t view others as competition, so I thought others wouldn’t see me that way either.

An epiphany we all have at least once as we emerge into adulthood: My mom and dad were right, and I, in my own small little narrow mind, was wrong. The bottom line is: Sometimes, you can be completely genuine with people, and meanwhile, they’re being strategic with you.

.