Is he really a "shitty" man or is this just who he happens to be?

Like the average nineteen-year-old girl, I have experienced love—in all its hurt, heartache, healing, and halcyon moments. I love love. I loved the emotional fulfillment, the feeling of being understood by someone, contributing to another person, and having comfort and support. Like many of us, just as quickly as love can come, it can also leave just as fast through betrayal. After my first “heartbreak,” I wrote in my journal this quote, which is now permanently tattooed on my body: “Despite it all, always live in love.” So disgustingly positive, right? Even amid hurt, confusion, and betrayal, I told myself what I think many people cannot do: accept and maintain a love-filled heart posture in a world that will try to turn your heart cold.

As emerging young women, we learn that disappointment is inevitable. Betrayal is inevitable. We digest this notion through our media, which often tells us, “All men do is cheat.” Why do we think like that? Is it because of the average Tyler Perry movie plot? Is it because men are statistically 7% more likely to cheat than women (according to Forbes)? Is it because of generational trauma that’s been passed down, creating an inherent sense of distrust in men? Or, historically speaking, was it the feminist movement that, debatably, created the image of men as misogynistic bigots?

Do all men really cheat, or do we just pick "shitty" men? How do we differentiate between a "shitty" man and a good one?

I recently, and unexpectedly, met someone who made me think deeply about this question; someone who made me rethink all my past loves. For lack of better words, I met a good guy. I think sometimes as women, we confuse the "good guy" for the "perfect guy." I, too, had to have my bubble burst—there is no Prince Charming like in Cinderella, no Prince Florian like in Snow White, no Prince Eric like in The Little Mermaid.

Okay, so I know as grown women, we are no longer looking to Disney movies for our images of love. Now, we look to something even worse: social media. At least in Beauty and the Beast, you see the abuse. At least in Rapunzel, you see the prince as a thief. Social media will only show you the good moments. It will show you love in all its glory but never love when it’s struggling, when it’s disappointing, and when it’s simply shitty.

Back to my question: Do all men really cheat, or do we just pick "shitty" men? How do we tell a "shitty" man from a good one?

I think sometimes, as people, we see others as projects. We want to be architects; we want to plan, organize, design, and renovate a person. We do this because we see their potential to be all we want them to be, and in our minds, our version of them is better. Our efforts to turn them into who we want them to be blind us to the reality of who they actually are. I think investing yourself into an idea of what someone could become, instead of accepting them for who they are, sets you up for automatic failure.

While going through a breakup, I remember my mom saying to me, “You’re asking him to draw the Eiffel Tower, but he’s never seen Paris before.” Simply, we’re asking these men to have skills and knowledge they don’t have! You’re asking for communication from someone who’s never experienced it. You’re asking for ambition from someone who’s only seen mediocrity. You’re asking for commitment from someone who’s never known loyalty. So, this individual has never been shown how to do the things you desire, and then, to add the cherry on top—the real underlying issue—is that he simply doesn’t want to.

Is he really a "shitty" man, or, for lack of better words, is this just who he happens to be? And are you the real problem for not accepting it and then internalizing it? He doesn’t want to learn these values. He doesn’t want to change. He doesn’t want to be your construction project. He’s happy in his own home and doesn't want to see the new layout for yours. The second part of this, which we as women never fully grasp, is that this is okay. We give everyone in the world (not just men) too much credit and too much control. One betrayal, and women write love completely off. We create this notion that we will never love again, that everyone is untrustworthy and love isn’t genuine. All because we set high expectations and unrealistic views for one person.

How horrible we are to ourselves, how cruel we are to our own minds. Robbing ourselves of all the goodness in the world because of one experience. I'm here to tell you that you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve to live a life of constantly analyzing and internalizing past failures. Entrepreneurs experience setback after setback before finding success, just as babies keep falling until they learn to walk—I think this same stubborn, committed mindset is applicable to love as well. Bottom line: Despite all its hurt, heartache, healing, and halcyon moments, remain living in love because you deserve it.